Validating a model of chronic illness and family caregiving
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The “they’re old and they shouldn’t have any stresses now” is the line my sisters use on me. I feel like if my parents (and the handful of other relatives who follow their lead) were to fully admit their behavior is wrong, express genuine sorrow over the pain it has caused, and then work to correct it and not repeat it – then we COULD reconcile our differences …
Most of the time people don’t even care to hear the reasons adult children have for not seeing their parents; they just tell these adult children they are wrong. It is even more offensive when the reasons for not seeing parents ARE revealed and people still judge the adult child to be the one in the wrong.
They automatically defend the parents without even hearing or caring about the reason behind the broken relationship. That is what this “what if your parents die” question is about.
Thank you for your post – I have the years of many guilt trips/manipulations echoing in my head every time I decline an invitation to do things with my FOO.
It is a helpful reminder that I HAVE done everything I can to make it ok, (and not ‘ok’ in the twisted sense of – give them whatever they want at tremendous cost to me just so they’ll stop whining. So, because I’ve done all I PERSONALLY can to actually resolve the ISSUES, the guilt now rests ENTIRELY on their shoulders now.
I am not the one who is wrong for deciding that I was finally going to validate MY equal rights and value.
Please share your thoughts, feelings and fears around this subject of what if my parents die before there is resolution.
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It’s all in the voice infliction; the tone they use and I used to react to that tone in the way that I reacted to it when I was a kid.
That tone was meant to snap me back to compliant and ‘respectful’ and it worked on me.
’ When am I going to have the right to be treated with respect? It’s time that we stopped seeing the question “what about me” as selfish and self-centered!
Why are these abusive and disrespectful people MORE valid than I am? And the answer to that question for me was “WHEN I DECIDED THAT I AM” Something I had to realize and a big part of my healing process was that I am valid and that I have rights too.